1hr 52min/112min.
Zero Stars/4
A Capella music is impressive for about 20 seconds. After that, for me, personally, it gets really boring to sit through. But, alas, here strolls along this movie, intending to be, not only a satire, but also reinforce the popularity of this music. "Pitch Perfect" is such an asinine amalgamation of vile cinema, it's disgusting. The fact that some many people worship and love this movie is sickening. The film gets so many, and I mean many things wrong, it's almost baffling as to how this came to fruition. Sometimes satires work really well("Anchorman: The Legend Of Ron Burgundy", "Team America: World Police"), sometimes, they take awhile to grow on you("Zoolander") and sometimes, they miss the mark by so much, you get, well... When I reviewed this film back when I first started out here, some person commented that I was wrong(y'know, 'cause opinions are always wrong) and that it was a great satire on college life. First off, it's a satire of musicals, not college life(get it right before you throw stones, ya jackwagon) and second, it's not funny, at all! The movie tries so desperately to make people laugh, that by the end of it all, it's gasping for air.
The Barden Bella's are just the perfect college group, thriving their pleasure on covering pop songs and their perf looks. After a performance gone wrong, The Barden Bella's are now a laughing stock and no one wants a part of them. Desperate, they fever around, trying to find new recruits. They find one in newcomer Beca(Anna Kendrick) a girl who wants to focus on her DJing career, who gets roped in by their ways. Along for the ride is "Fat Amy"(Rebel Wilson), Cynthia(Ester Dean), Stacie(Alexis Knapp) Lilly(Hana Mae Lee), Jessica(Kelly Jakle), Ashley(Shelly Regner) and Denise(Wanetah Walmsley). They team up to defeat their rivals The Treblemakers led by Bumper(Adam DeVine) and that's about it. The Bella's win, The End. Oops, did I spoil an easily predictable plot for ya? Well who's not thinkin' now?
Where do I even begin? I know, I know, the movie's primary target is women and, last time I checked, I'm not a woman, I fear that this movie(and the upcoming sequel...) will bring women's IQ's downconsiderably. The movie is not well written, and that's another thing, how is it that Fifty Shades Of Grey(hey, look at that, 2.5 years and just now providing links to past reviews! Go ahead, Hover your mouse over it and click on it(just make sure it works)) is more tautly written than this? The jokes are pandering, no, rather, thudding down to the lowest common denominator. "Don't put me down for Cardio!" exclaims Amy midway through the film. What's funny there? Just because she's a little plus sized, she has to constantly, and I meant constantly make fat jokes? That's straight up bullshit, and I apologize for cursing, but that's what it is. The Asian character has a few thrown her way(Asian jokes, sans fat) and there's even one character, who has thirty seconds of screen-time and is only known for her unusually large nipples, clearly can be seen, by the way and from what I remember, female nipples cannot be shown in a PG-13. So what were the freaks over at the MPAA Getting all uppity about over "Grey"? Gimme a break.
Anna Kendrick....I hate to criticize her here because she is a tremendous performer! "End Of Watch"(coincidentally, that year's best film), "Into The Woods" "Drinking Buddies", "50/50", "Up In The Air" and the absolutely heart-breakingly poetic and beautiful "The Last Five Years", she has, without a doubt, the best singing voice, period. Listen to the soundtrack to either "Camp"(her first film), "Into The Woods" and most importantly "The Last Five Years" and you'll see. Perfect example: "Still Hurting" from "The Last Five Years", a song that breaks your heart and it's her singing that does it. Here, she's has NOTHING to satisfyingly work with, a script that somehow seeped through the sewage of Hollywood, and music that really doesn't benefit her. Wanna hear her sing here? HA! Modest you are. She gets drowned out by...the other ones...
Brittney Snow and Anna Camp are equally dreadful, having to recite lines of pun filled dialogue. I swear to the Lord Herself, if I hear one more person start a word with the un-official prefix of "Aca", ain't no tellin' what I'm gonna do. All of the other's just blend into the crowd, until one of them decides to make a snow angel...in vomit. Hoo-ray! We're funny! The worst offender has to be Rebel Wilson. Another decent performer, she absolutely flounders here, not a single time does she emanate a smile or even a smirk while she's onscreen. The music is also terrible, with atrocious covers of relatively decent songs. The cover of "Don't Stop The Music" is only OK, while the cover of "S&M", tellingly the best song of that year(sue me), is very underwhelming and that's a big downfall with A Capella music, it's very quiet and underwhelming. You can't really rock out to it? Do me a favor(I know you won't, but humor me), look up Limp Bizkit's "Take A Look Around" and give it a minute, the heavy part'll come in soon. Now imagine that A Capella style. Doesn't work!
Go ahead and eave your comments and tell me I'm dumb! Tell me I'm wrong! I don't care! The root of all evil here is that if people weren't falling over themselves about this movie so much, I wouldn't be this angry! An 81% on Rotten Tomatoes? Are you kidding me? But great movies like "Pain & Gain" have only a 48%. Middle finger to whoever runs that site. "Pitch Perfect" is smarmily pleased with itself, wanting to rub it's rancidness all over everyone, it's vile. It get's to the point where it turns into one of those movies that says "You don't like me? You're not good enough! You're the dumb one!" Touting it around like a five-year old who won't play fair! Let me tell you something: When I see your precious little sequel in a few days, I'm not gonna be kind to it. The beast in me will become un-caged and y'all won't like it...
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