"Fifty Shades Darker"(2017) Film Review

Rated R For Strong Erotic Sexual Content, Graphic Nudity And Some Language.

1hr 58min/118min.

13 F-Bombs.

3.5/4 Stars, Thumbs Up

"I'm trying to be romantic, and you're distracting me with your kinkey fuckery."

-Anastasia Steele(Dakota Johnson)

"Fifty Shades Darker" is the "exciting" second chapter of the infamous "Fifty Shades" trilogy. It has a beginning, a middle and somewhat of an end. Is it sexy? Somewhat. Is it steamy? Actually, in two scenes, yes, but only because our protagonists are standing in a hot shower. Look, no one sees these movies expecting high art; they wanna be entertained and potentially titillated. I've seen a lot of reviewers call out certain plot elements for this film and regarding them as unnecessary and wildly stupid, but I'm not lying to any of you when I say that all of these elements are taken straight from the book. I'm personally a fan of autobiographies and nonfiction books regarding movies and music, but I HAD to check these books out. They're poorly written(a second grader, if they wanted to, could do better), have COUNTLESS grammatical issues and are poorly edited. The publishers never took a close look at these pieces of soon-to-be classic literature because sentences, mostly questions, will be missing the last word, therefore negating the whole thing. Example: "Can I go to the store?" is translated to "Can I go to the?" The dialogue in the final film is somewhat along the lines of this. I'm getting ahead of myself; let's take this step by step, inch by inch(not dignifying that) and notch by notch.

Anastasia Steele(Dakota Johnson) is still recuperating from leaving her mysteriously dull-I mean, interesting beau Christian Grey(Jamie Dornan) after pushing her to her sexual limits. The two, almost like clockwork, meet back up at a gallery opening for Ana's photographer friend, Jose(Victor Rasuk). They soon get back together(literally within the first ten minutes) and are back to doing the three things they're good at: Finding out secrets about each other, fighting and sexual congress. But, uh oh, we have three new characters to deal with. There's Jack Hyde(Eric Johnson), Ana's sleazy, yet charming, boss at S.I.P.(Seattle Independent Publishing) who may or may have a burning desire for Ana(I didn't accidentally leave "not" out of that sentence). There's Elena Lincoln(Kim Basinger), Christian's original "mentor", I guess. Finally, there's Leila(Bella Heathecoate), a past submissive of Christian's that could've been an interestingly essayed character, but spends all of her scenes looking menacing and whimpering like a lost puppy, when need be. Will more secrets be revealed about Christian's past? Will Jack succeed in winning over Ana? Will a poster for the deliriously dumb 2004 film "The Chronicles Of Riddick" show up in the background? Do cats meow?

As of this writing, I still have a few reviews on the backburner, one of them being for "xXx: Return Of Xander Cage", but both that movie and this one share something in common. A good screenwriting tip for any writers out there is to read your dialogue out loud and see if it sounds sensible. If it doesn't, rework it or scrap it entirely. The makers of "Xander Cage" and this film clearly didn't abide by this rule as the dialogue is, for lack of a better term, something I like to call "Heinously Anus". Take for example our first intimate encounter; as Christian disrobes Ana of her undergarments, taking them off of her ankles, he starts to rise up, but she places her hand on his head, keeping him on his knees and says: "Kiss me". Take another scene, where Ana uses the term "kinky fuckery", granted, a phrase used in the book, but what exactly is "kinky fuckery"? It sounds like something I would say if something in my house isn't working right("The damn DVR didn't record 'House Hunters', that's some kinky fuckery, right there"). Take the scene where Christian marks, on his body, lines where Ana is not allowed to touch. He decides to do this with her lipstick, of all things, and, after it being on him for awhile, she asks to wash it off. His response? "Don't stray far from the lines, Ana." At the gallery exhibit, there are 6 life-size portraits of Ana(at this point, Jose has stopped being cute and turned into a bit of a maniac) and, what do you know, Christian buys every single one of them. His reasoning: "I don't like strangers gawking at you, Ana". Did anybody, ANYBODY proofread this? Why is Anastasia so driven by Christian, anyway? I think after a scene in the first half-hour, where the two are getting ready for a charity, masquerade ball run by Christian's parents where he makes her put metal balls up somewhere(surprisingly, not through the backdoor entrance), I would've run for the hills. These balls are never explained. What they do is unknown to the audience because Christian never explains it. Do they vibrate? Do they offer some sort of stimulation? Do they give off a sonar signal when a submarine is nearby? I don't know; the movie gives zero explanation to the point where I got curious. Professor Haines is gonna tell you. A simple type of "metal balls adult toys" into Google will tell you that these are vibrating, "Ben-Wa" balls for stimulation in that area. OK, the point is, I shouldn't have to look up a sex toy to understand what it is, because the erotic movie I'm watching wants to be a prissy little kid and not tell you anything. Christian is also a controlling nightmare of a person. If Ana breathes in the wrong direction, he throws a hissy fit. You would think being away from her for a little while would make him change his ways, slightly, but no, here he is, back to his old ways.

The amount of time that these two spend together would seem, at least, to any normal person, to be a few months spaced out overtime. In actuality, these two spend five, that's right, FIVE whole weeks together before(and sorry, but, if you do care, SPOILER ALERT), Christian decides to propose marriage. The time just FEELS longer, because these movies move at the pace of a snail. Christian, also, for reasons that aren't really delved into, has Ana's bank account info. Why? So he can pay her the $24,000 that he received for selling Ana's old car, which, by the damn way, is something he couldn't have possibly done without her knowledge; she would've needed to sign a title, etc. All of these grievances can be attributed to the writing, coming from a screenplay by Niall Leonard(E.L. James' husband, so we know who's getting whipped on and off-screen). A little research on some of the behind the scenes process of these two films and you'll find out that the director of the first film, Sam Taylor-Johnson(wife of actor Aaron Taylor-Johnson) left the series after finding E.L. difficult to work with. Why? Because E.L., much like her monstrous creation of Christian, is controlling, and denied even the smallest changes from novel to screen. How can these movies have an opportunity to grow or be given the chance by film reviewers if you don't allow other people's creative input? Also, how much are some of these editors being paid? From what I found out, VFX artists were hired onto the first film, to digitally add on pubic hair to Dakota Johnson, simply because it's how her character was in the book. Forget the masterful effects and stunt work of "Mad Max: Fury Road" or the technical prowess of "Furious 7", "Fifty Shades Of Grey" should've taken home the "Best Special Effects" Oscar in 2015.

Dakota Johnson still manages to shine radiantly in such a thankless part, that it's a wonder she doesn't get more recognition. She breathes life into Ana and makes her an independent force to be reckoned with. Jamie Dornan is a little better in this film than in the previous entry, but he's still very wooden and awkward. This makes no sense, especially when seeing him in interviews. In interviews, Dornan is massively charming, adorable and even funny, so why can't he bring those traits to this role? Just because Christian is a severely damaged individual who always wants to piss and moan and brood all the time(even after surviving a pointless helicopter crash(I know the whole reason behind it, but that's to be explained in the third film), doesn't mean he can't have other "shades" of emotion. Credit, however, has to go to screenwriter, Leonard, for not having Christian refer to his dead mother as a "crack whore" in every other line as he did in the books. Marcia Gay Harden returns as Christian's adoptive mother, Grace, and is still quite good. Newcomer to the series, Kim Basinger, is severely underused as Christian's initial introduction to the BDSM lifestyle. Eric Johnson is unusually good as slimy perv Jack Hyde, Ana's boss at S.I.P. Bella Heathecoate is good, but also underused, as Leila Williams, a former submissive of Christian's targeting Ana. Rita Ora is still only OK as Christian's sister, Mia, though thankfully free of the disastrous fright wig she was forced to wear in the first. Eloise Mumford is still solid in her brief return as Ana's BFF, Kate. Luke Grimes is also here, again, as Christian's brother, Elliot, but... who honestly cares? That's how much he resonates with the viewer. Finally, Victor Rasuk is still unintentionally creepy playing an unintentionally creepy guy, that being Jose. Yes, I get that he's still got a hard crush for Ana, but he's long since turned down a point of no return and is one of the subtlest, creepiest characters outside of the horror genre.

It seems like I'm making this out to be one of the worst films of 2017, so far, but I loved every minute of the movie, actually. It's trash and it knows it's trash. It runs with this notion to the fullest effect and has a lot of fun with it. I criticize the movie because it's fun to do so. The only real detriment I have with this movie are two little things. First, there's a lot of female nudity coming from Johnson in these movies, including full-frontal, but barely any from Dornan(he, reportedly, signed a contract prohibiting from having his frank and beans(or "dooleywhacker" as my grandmother, for whatever, inexplicable reason, describes it) and therefore, won't do any full-frontal nudity), which is a little unfair. Also, this movie has the balls(figuratively, not literally) to interrupt itself, halfway through the end credits to showcase a 15 second teaser trailer for "Fifty Shades Freed"(due out on February 9th, 2018). How cute, it thinks it's a Marvel movie. If you wanna see this, go right ahead. It's a lot of fun, I'm glad I saw it and am looking forward to seeing the final installment. Hopefully this will be one of the greatest climaxes to a franchise in cinema history(Why are all of my jokes extremely on point in this review?).

Addendum(05/22/2017): "Fifty Shades Darker" has been released to DVD, Bluray and Digital HD with an unrated cut, and I wouldn't be doing my duty if I didn't cover it. Whereas the unrated cut for the first film ran only three minutes longer, this cut runs a whopping fourteen minutes longer, extending it to the length of a "Fast & Furious" escapade. The first bit of new content is a scene occurring right after Ana and Christian meet back up at Jose's art exhibit. Before they go to the restaurant, Christian takes her to some sort of alley and just starts kissing her before Ana stops him and, almost verbatim, repeat the same dialogue exchange we just heard in the exhibit. Why this is in here, I'm not too sure. Then there's a scene right after the two go out for breakfast, where Ana unfurls an unnaturally humongous umbrella and asks Christian who the mysterious girl is that keeps following after her. There aren't any other noticeable differences for another half-hour, but the next thing that happens is extended thrusting and facial expressions during the "spreader bar" scene. The next is when the two come home after a saucy encounter on an elevator and this is where a bigger omission takes place: the pool table scene. Christian gets a call as Ana saunters into a room with a massive fireplace and huge pool table. The two make a bet as they play the game and, believe it or not, the scene, for three to four minutes, comes across as genuinely sexy, with Ana's playing skills coming across as a playful tease. This is diminished once the two commence sexually aggrandizing themselves on said table. I would be shocked, had the scene not been already covered, in detail, in the book. The helicopter sequence is longer, insomuch that it shows the copter going down longer and the actual collision. A scene shows the news announcing Christian and companion safe right before he walks back into his home, instead of him just waltzing in as was shown in the previous version. The dinner scene, directly following this, is slightly longer. Directly after the two's red room escapade, the two cavort on their bed, in the nude. Directly after this, Ana shares a phone call with her mom, in which she informs her that Christian has asked her to marry her, to which she's said yes, even though an actual proposal hasn't yet taken place. There's all the sordid details, nothing more, nor less.