Rated PG-13 For Violence And Intense Sequences Of Sci-Fi Action, Language And Some Innuendo
2hrs 30min/150 minutes
Zero Stars out of 4
2007's "Transformers" was nothing special; a silly popcorn movie about fighting robots based on a cartoon series from the '80's, but it did it's job surprisingly competently. It was entertaining, well-paced and left you feeling a sense of fun. 2009's "Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen" was a significant drop in quality; a repeat of the same film as if it was written by a college-frat, bro-dude. It was lackluster, overlong, unfunny, juvenile and racially insensitive. 2011's "Transformers: Dark Of The Moon" was somehow worse, sinking the franchise to a new low. Filled with tedious, overlong action, monotonous and awful dialogue, characters that were unctuous, a beyond whiny and irritating Shia LaBeouf, so on and so forth. 2014's "Transformers: Age Of Extinction" brought the series back up to a stable height. By replacing LaBeouf with the effortlessly charming Mark Wahlberg and making the movie entertaining, but at the same time, over-exerting itself. Let's face it, 164 minutes is a long time to sit through an action movie. And then, there's "The Last Knight", a movie that promises to keep the series on the same level as "Age Of Extinction", but instead, it somehow sinks lower than "Dark Of The Moon", setting itself up to be one of the most excruciating motion pictures to ever hit the big screen. From frame one to the end credits, the movie gets absolutely nothing right. It's a total mess of metal flying across the screen. 
The plot, surprise, has Megatron coming down to Earth, y'know, because the first four times weren't enough, in search of an ancient talisman once owned by Merlin. Yes, that's right, we have the ancient magician Merlin trotting along in this. Not only is Megatron after it, but Cade Yeager(Mark Wahlberg), Oxford polo playing professor Vivian Wembly(Laura Haddox) and the last member of the Witwiccian order, Sir Edmund Burton(Anthony Hopkins) are also hot on it's trail. You see, Optimus Prime is being held captive up in Cybertron by some evil princess for no reason other than to have Prime being presented a threat, and they think that by using this object, it can restore Cybertron and Earth back to it's normal state. Roll credits.
The writing might be a good place to start. Exposition drowns the proceedings, and I mean drowns it. There's a solid fifty minute section where no action is taking place. All the characters are required to stand around and spout out endlessly boring, nonsensical mumbo-jumbo, and they expect you to take it so seriously. If you think that's bad, the dialogue is even worse. One liners are ugly junk and they plague the film from beginning to end. "Look at the junk in her trunk!" a robot exclaims after seeing literal junk in the trunk of a hooptie-like car. "Without sacrifice, there can be no victory" is said twice before the title of the movie shows up on-screen. "For my world to live, yours must die" Optimus threatens as if he has no problem killing almost seven billion people. Cogman(voiced by Jim Carter) casually shouts "Move bitch, get out the way!" several times in a row while speeding through traffic. Squeeks(voiced by Reno Wilson), a BB-8-like creation, says "Ay, Chihuahua!" over and over, like it's in a different movie, altogether. Cade and Vivian are supposed to be romantic interests, but when Cade turns to her at one point and says "You, British lady, shut up", it's cause for one to go weak in their knees. If this is how screenwriters Art Marcum, Matt Holoway and Ken Nolan think people flirt with each other, than Cade and Vivian's future is going to go about as well as oil and water. By the way, three people to write this movie? That's pathetic. But the one line that made me consider pulling my first ever walk-out comes from a character named Nitro Zeus(voiced by John DiMaggio). As he's introduced, he comes onscreen, dancing around whilst shouting jovially, "Free at last, thank Megatron almighty, I'm free at last!" 
Director Michael Bay isn't really the one to blame entirely for how these movies turn out. Yes, he makes some creative decisions that don't always work out, but the screenwriters are at fault for even thinking up such a ridiculous movie in the first place. Honestly, after viewing the film, I had trouble even remembering why the Transformers were fighting down on Earth again. This could either be because my ADD was acting up(that the movie didn't end until after 1:00 in the morning could've been a factor) or the fact that the filmmakers couldn't explain the premise of the movie in a cohesive manner. If I can't remember the basic plot of a movie almost thirty minutes after exiting the theater, then you haven't done your job properly. Another thing that gave me a massive headache, is that Michael Bay has every single shot of this 150 minute movie, turn into a different aspect ratio. This was done for the film being shown in IMAX theaters, but I don't think the movie needs to change that frequently, and in 2D showings, it screws with your equilibrium after 15 minutes. I don't think that two characters engaging in a conversation needs to be constantly switching up ratios. The action in the film is also tedious and confusing. For example: "The Fast And The Furious" films are silly action blockbusters, yes(they at least have emotion), but the action is done how it's supposed to be done: slicky and cohesively. The fact that I buy a scene in which former street racers are suddenly on ice, racing away from a technologically enhanced submarine, blowing cars up left and right, more than I do Mark Wahlberg being the savior of Earth is a bit disconcerting. Side-note: after one of my theaters decided to switch the original 2D screening to a 3D screening at the last minute(because that's fair), my friend and I sat through the film, and the 3D was utterly useless. The film provides nothing that pops out at the viewer. As a matter of fact, the projector was still programmed to show a 2D showing for the first ten minutes, so we couldn't really tell a difference. Thanks, Regal.
For the first time in, maybe, ever, Mark Wahlberg gives a disinterested, lackluster performance. One of the most charming leading men in Hollywood, Wahlberg stumbles around the entire movie like a loud, brutish drunk. Can you honestly blame him? The poor guy looks trapped. Laura Haddock seems utterly confused and lost, her facial expressions amounting to looks of concern and annoyance. You get the deep feeling that she's not acting, she's genuinely upset that's wound up in this mess. Anthony Hopkins also looks lost and trapped. He's literally only on hand to spout out the inevitable exposition and plot points. Isabella Moner plays orphan Izzy. From what my many friends tell me, she went to the same school I did. Color me ignorant, but I don't remember ever coming into contact with her. I remember seeing her in passing, though. Moner struck me, in the film, as a performer that has depth and a wide range of emotion, one to watch out for in future films. Unfortunately, this awful excuse of so called entertainment doesn't showcase this. I still have hope. Her character, though, is useless throughout the film. She serves no detectable purpose. These actors aren't at fault, the script just might as well take action figures of them and splash them around in dirty bath water. Jerrod Carmichael plays Wahlberg's assistant at the junkyard he works for. A comic relief that's not funny? I'll pass. Returning actors Josh Duhammel and John Turturro serve, what's that? You guessed it: no purpose. Turturro literally phones in his three minutes of screen-time from the other side of the world. Voice acting is non-descriptive and totally pointless. The robots are just as one dimensional creations as the humans. The main robot, Optimus himself, has only fifteen minutes of scenes and he wastes them all by casually repeating, over and over "I am Optimus Prime." Did you think we somehow forgot?
This is, without a doubt, the worst big budget movie I've seen in a long time. The movie doesn't understand that flash and fury don't make a good movie. There's a little word called "substance". Please have it. I have lost all faith in this series. The sick thing about this is that Michael Bay can do good movies. I think 2013's "Pain & Gain" might be his most accomplished work to date. The problem is that he keeps coming back to do these movies and I don't understand why. Eventually, you have to get tired of it. Supposedly, this is his last foray into this series, but has stated that he will come back if he thinks the story's good. You mean to tell me that he thought this was decent enough to helm? Gimme a break. By the time the movie has extended it's climax for the third or fourth time, all I could think about is curing up in my bed, later that night and falling peacefully asleep. At one point, Wahlberg calls one of the robots a "skank". He could just as well be referring to the people behind the cameras, whoring themselves out for that money. C.R.E.A.M. Cash Rules Everything Around Me. Dolla Dolla Bill, y'all. "Transformers: The Last Knight" is beyond patience testing; an empty, soul-crushing, spirit diminishing piece of shit. 
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